When Obsession Feels Like Love and We Shut Down

"Why do I become obsessed with people I have no boundaries with ~ only to shut down later?"

Suppose you've pondered this question in the quiet of the night or after facing another emotional setback. In that case, I want to assure you that you are neither broken nor irrational and certainly not alone. You may be on the brink of revealing a profound emotional truth you've held within for quite some time ~ one that deserves acknowledgment with kindness rather than shame. Embrace this journey with hope; brighter days are ahead!

This pattern of becoming deeply attached to someone, feeling as though your very breath is intertwined with theirs, and yearning for their presence can be perplexing. It may lead to emotional turmoil and self-doubt regarding your value and capacity for love. However, understanding this dynamic is the first step toward nurturing healthier connections and fostering self-awareness.

I would like to express something important: this response is not arbitrary and certainly not a sign of weakness. Rather, it serves as a gentle signal ~ a tender expression from your inner self that may have once felt unseen, unworthy, or unsafe in love. It reflects the beautifully intricate nature of experiences where your needs went unmet, your emotions were overwhelming for others, or your boundaries were disregarded. Your feelings matter, and acknowledging them is a step toward healing.

When there’s no container ~ no boundaries, no emotional ground to stand on ~ you might find yourself gripping onto the relationship, hoping it will save you, soothe you, or give you what you've been longing for. That grip can feel like an obsession. But beneath it is often grief. Ultimately, when the weight becomes overwhelming, you may need to retreat within yourself. This isn't a sign of indifference; rather, it's a reflection of your sensitivity and the challenges you face.

If this situation resonates with you, I invite you to take a moment to pause. Gently place your hand over your heart and take a deep, calming breath. Reflect softly on this question: “What was I truly seeking when I turned to them?” Allow the answer to emerge without any judgment; approach it with curiosity and compassion. You may find it helpful to journal your thoughts, or simply sit with this question, treating it as a sacred thread to untangle. Remember, this journey is not about blame, but rather illuminating the areas you've kept in the shadows for too long. 

🕊️ No Boundaries = No Safety

Obsession often masquerades as genuine devotion, creating an intense pull, much like gravity, toward someone who appears to complete the yearning in your heart. It's a deeply compelling experience worth exploring.

When we become captivated by someone ~ particularly someone with whom we don't feel emotionally secure ~ it's seldom rooted in love. Instead, it often reflects a deep longing; we are not pursuing them, but rather the healing we seek. We sincerely appreciate their presence, attention, and validation ~ not merely for our benefit but because they resonate with our unvoiced emotions and the tender, unresolved feelings we hold within.

Maybe it's the child within who never felt chosen ~ who learned to fight for scraps of affection, to become whatever someone else needed, just to feel a little bit worthy. Maybe it's the part of us that grew up in emotional chaos and now mistakes intensity for intimacy.

Our nervous system profoundly intertwines anxiety with love, reflecting our past experiences. In moments of insecurity, we find it challenging to embrace love, instead holding on tightly due to our fears. We fear abandonment, invisibility, and confronting our unmet needs. Understanding this connection can lead us toward healing and the ability to nurture genuine, fulfilling relationships.

Obsession is not a sign of brokenness; it reveals a part of your story that seeks your loving attention. This longing should not evoke shame but be viewed as an excellent chance for growth and healing. Embrace this journey with an open heart, and as you listen kindly, you will gradually distinguish love from fear, intensity from safety, and obsession from truth. Allow this process to unfold positively, enriching your life in profound ways!

In relationships without emotional or energetic boundaries, one might sense a profound connection that feels destined and inseparable. However, this intensity may mask an underlying instability. Lacking boundaries creates a sense of floating without support. Ultimately, love should be a nurturing experience, not a struggle for survival. Establishing healthy boundaries can transform this connection into a truly enriching and fulfilling bond.

You may find your identity intertwining with theirs, where their emotions resonate deeply within you. Their quietude can lead to self-doubt, and their influence feels all-consuming. You adapt and stretch beyond your limits, not out of neediness but from a genuine fear of being left behind if you cease striving to connect. Embracing this struggle demonstrates your strength and longing for connection.

Initially, the experience can feel exhilarating ~ like a profound connection, as if this person truly understands you. However, that excitement may gradually transform into a sense of unease. When the emotional turmoil overwhelms your nervous system, it instinctively seeks respite. This response is not a sign of weakness but a testament to your inner wisdom. While your mind may urge you to remain, your body gently communicates the need for safety and self-care. Embrace this vital awareness.

The absence of boundaries can leave you feeling vulnerable, leading to a shutdown that serves as a vital self-preservation strategy ~ a sacred pause. This reflects how your inner world seeks to safeguard what remains of you. If you've experienced this, feeling like you've lost yourself in another and withdrawn inwardly, please remember: You are not alone. You are not too much. You were simply seeking safety in an environment that couldn't nurture you. Now, the journey to healing starts with embracing and caring for yourself.

Eventually, it shuts down ~ because it’s the only way it knows how to protect you.

🌙 The Shutdown Is Not a Sign of Weakness. It's Wisdom.

The sensation of numbness you are experiencing ~ the emotional distance and gradual disengagement from a person you once felt deeply connected to ~ is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't reflect any coldness or fault on your part; rather, it indicates your nervous system's instinctive response, saying, "This is overwhelming. I am here to safeguard you."

In environments where love is conditional, boundaries are overlooked, and your needs feel overwhelming, it's understandable to retreat into silence. It is not a desire to vanish but rather a learned response to safeguard yourself. When you withdraw, it is not a sign of weakness but rather profound wisdom. Your body instinctively applies the brakes to protect your emotional well-being in turmoil. Embracing this understanding is a crucial step toward healing and reclaiming your voice.

It's easy to fall into self-blame, asking yourself questions like, "Why did I become so attached?" or "Why can't I remain present?" Please remember, beneath these feelings lies an important truth: you were doing your very best with the knowledge you had. Your body has always sought to protect you, even when it felt otherwise. The moments of withdrawal aren't a failure ~ they are, in fact, an invitation for growth and understanding. Embrace this journey with kindness towards yourself.

You are welcome to take a moment for self-reflection and inner peace. Kindly consider these questions without judgment: What aspects of yourself felt unsheltered in that connection? What boundaries have you overlooked? What burdens have you been carrying that are not truly yours?

The act of merely observing can profoundly heal. It's about embracing moments with compassion, not forcing change. By honoring your feelings, you will gradually rediscover self-trust. As you cultivate a sense of safety within, you'll find less need to seek validation from others. Embrace this journey toward self-acceptance!

💔 You Weren't "Too Much." You Were Just Carrying Too Much,
Alone.

It's important to acknowledge that this pattern can evoke difficult emotions. Becoming absorbed and feeling overwhelmed can be pretty disorienting. It's natural to reflect and ask, "What motivated my actions? Why is it challenging to feel balanced? Why do I have such strong needs?" Your feelings are valid, and understanding them is a journey worth exploring.

What if your needs were never excessive but somewhat overlooked? Imagine carrying emotional burdens that were never yours to bear. Many of us have adapted by minimizing our needs and prioritizing the roles of caretakers or peacemakers rather than embracing our true selves. It's time to recognize and celebrate our entirety, allowing ourselves the grace to acknowledge and express our authentic desires.

We have become experts in endurance, embracing silence, and maintaining a smile despite our struggles. When someone sees our true selves, we eagerly share the emotions we've kept within us ~ not out of neediness, but from a deep yearning to be understood. This longing for connection, the overwhelming generosity, and moments of withdrawal stem from a heartfelt desire to feel seen and secure and to find our place of belonging.

Remember, these yearnings are not signs of brokenness; they are simply part of being beautifully human.

Here's an important realization: you need not validate your worth through hardship. You shouldn't lose your identity to foster closeness with others. Remember, you no longer have to bear the burdens alone. Embrace this reminder: you are worthy of occupying space, having your own needs, and releasing what was never meant for you to carry. Celebrate your journey with joy and self-compassion!

🌱 Healing Begins When You Start Creating Safety Inside Yourself

Indeed, it's essential to recognize that no relationship can replace the inner security we must cultivate within ourselves. Regardless of how captivating a connection may seem, proper regulation of our nervous system is a personal journey that we must undertake.

While they can offer support, actual change comes from within. Healing starts when you embrace your worth and take charge of your journey rather than relying on others to complete you. Your empowerment is the key to fulfillment!

The journey of self-care commences when you lovingly attend to your inner landscape ~ steadily and mindfully, breath by breath. While it may seem straightforward, this is truly a transformative endeavor. Consider asking yourself: What do I need at this moment? Where do I feel this within my body? How can I provide myself with what I seek from others?

These inquiries transcend mere self-help; they represent a profound reclamation. Together, we can transform our understanding of love from something we pursue into an intrinsic part of who we are.

Cultivating a sense of inner safety is not about absolute independence; instead, it involves honoring yourself in the quest for connection. It's about learning to embrace your discomfort instead of fleeing from it. It means acknowledging your triggers and responding with compassion rather than shame.

Recognizing and upholding your boundaries, even when your voice trembles, is essential. You were never meant to sacrifice your true self for love. Instead, you are invited to continually nurture your relationship with yourself, allowing love to flourish organically within you. Embrace this journey, and love will naturally emanate from your very being.

💞 From Obsession to Connection: Building Something Real

You truly deserve more than an intensity that induces anxiety or fleeting chemistry. You deserve a connection that envelops you with warmth and comfort, akin to a soothing exhale or the feeling of returning home.

As you embark on your journey to cultivate inner safety, a remarkable transformation occurs: you no longer pursue relationships that resonate with unhealthy patterns. You begin to honor your needs, allowing yourself to make more fulfilling choices rooted in a newfound sense of self-awareness and strength.

True love embraces every aspect of you, honoring your needs, boundaries, and voice. While the journey may present challenges ~ after all, healing is seldom straightforward ~ it will ultimately feel fulfilling, secure, and authentic. You will develop the ability to identify red flags more quickly and bravely step away from situations that may cause pain, even if they once felt comfortable. Gradually, you will open your heart to those who demonstrate genuine presence and respect, nurturing connections that enrich your life.

This journey is not about achieving perfection in love. It's about embracing your true self, allowing you to share love from a place of completeness rather than pain. After years of seeking security from others, discovering how to nurture yourself is a profoundly courageous act. You are incredibly deserving of love! You're simply learning to love in a way that honors your worth. This, truly, is a beautiful and promising new beginning.

✨ Reflection: Coming Home to Yourself

I invite you to pause for a moment and take a deep breath, allowing the insights you've just absorbed to resonate within you. Kindly reflect:  

When did I first associate intensity with love?  

What aspects of myself feel compelled to be small, silent, or selfless to be valued?  

During times of fixation or withdrawal, what does my inner child genuinely crave?  

How can I recognize what safety feels like in my body and nurture that feeling today?  

Embrace this journey of self-discovery with warmth and curiosity! There are no correct answers ~ only honest ones. Let this be a space where you meet yourself ~ not with judgment, but with tenderness. You are worthy of love that doesn't cost you your peace. And that kind of love begins with how you love yourself.

👉 If this resonated with you, explore my Healing Workbooks here