The Patterns Beneath the Pain: My Journey with Schemas and ANTs

I used to think my pain was just about heartbreak. Walking away from Devin was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I loved him deeply, but I finally admitted that love alone wasn’t enough. The pattern was always the same: I gave when he needed me, he gave only when he felt like it.

I realized I wasn’t just walking away from him ~ I was walking away from a lifetime of patterns that kept me in pain. Patterns I carried from my childhood, patterns that showed up in every relationship, patterns I thought were me.

What I Discovered: Schemas

Somewhere along this journey, I learned about schemas: the deep-rooted beliefs we form in childhood about ourselves, others, and the world. They’re like emotional blueprints, shaping how we love, how we trust, and how we see ourselves.

Some of the ones I resonate with most:

Abandonment ~ “People I love will leave me.”
Mistrust/Abuse ~ “Others will hurt or betray me.”
Emotional Deprivation ~ “No one will meet my needs for love or care.”
Defectiveness/Shame ~ “Something is wrong with me; I’m unlovable.”
Social Isolation ~ “I don’t belong.”
Self-Sacrifice ~ “I must put others’ needs before my own.”
Unrelenting Standards ~ “I must be perfect to avoid criticism.”

When I saw them in black and white, it felt like someone had written my life story. It explained why I clung so tightly to love, even when it hurt me. It explained why I could silence my needs for years, why I never felt “enough,” why I thought I had to earn love through self-sacrifice.

The Everyday Voice: ANTs

Then I discovered ANTs ~ Automatic Negative Thoughts. These are the quick, reflexive thoughts that surface in everyday life, often without us even realizing.

My ANTs sounded like this:

“If I’m not perfect, I’m a failure.”
“They must think I’m stupid.”
“This is going to turn out badly.”
“I feel worthless, so I must be worthless.”
“It’s my fault they’re upset.”

Reading about them, I realized my ANTs weren’t random. They were the voices of my schemas. They were how those deep-rooted beliefs showed up in daily life ~ disguised as truth.

The Map of Healing

The connection between schemas and ANTs gave me something I had never had before: a map of my inner world.

Schemas = the roots. Formed in childhood, buried deep, shaping everything.
ANTs = the branches. The automatic thoughts that grow from those roots, whispering the same old story over and over.

Healing, I learned, doesn’t mean forcing myself to “just think positive.” It means catching an ANT, tracing it back to the schema underneath, and gently offering myself a new truth.

For example:

Thought: “I feel worthless, so I must be worthless.”
Schema underneath: Defectiveness/Shame.
Reframe: “I feel pain, but that does not mean I am unworthy.”

This doesn’t erase the pain overnight ~ but it interrupts the old cycle. It creates space for a softer voice.

What I’m Learning

I still carry pain ~ from Devin, from my first heartbreak at 18, from every goodbye that left me aching. I can’t remember all the details of my life, but I can remember every hurt. Trauma has a way of engraving those wounds deeper than anything else.

And yet, little by little, I’m learning this:

My story is more than my pain.
My schemas are not my identity.
My ANTs are not my truth.

Walking away from love that didn’t honor me was the first step. Learning to walk toward myself is the next step.

A Reflection for You

If you recognize yourself in this, I invite you to pause and ask:

Which schema feels most familiar to me?
What automatic thought do I hear most often?
What gentle truth could I speak back to it?

Even noticing is a beginning. Awareness is the crack in the old story where the light gets in.

Closing

I’m still healing. I’m still learning to release the pain I carry. But I know now that I am not broken ~ I am carrying wounds that can be healed.

And so are you. 🌿

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