I Froze to Survive But I Am Learning to Live Again

If you have ever stared blankly at someone because the words would not come…
If you have ever frozen in a moment when you needed to speak, or scream, or cry…
If you have felt numb, unseen, unworthy, and too tired to carry it all anymore…

You are not alone.

I know this place. I have lived here for decades. And I am finally learning to step out of it ~ one fragile, beautiful step at a time.

I Was Not Wanted ~ And My Body Knew It

I was three years old. Too young to have words for trauma. But not too young for my body to know the truth:
I was not wanted.

I could feel it in the air when my mother entered the room.
I could feel it in her voice, in her gaze that never softened.
I could feel it in every moment that her energy said: you are wrong. You are too much. You are a problem I do not want.

And so when she would speak to me ~ when she would tell me to do something ~ I would stare at her with a blank face.

Not because I didn’t understand.
Not because I was being difficult.

Because I had already learned:
👉 If I respond, it will hurt.
👉 If I reach for love, it will not come.
👉 If I take up too much space, I might disappear entirely.

That blank stare was not defiance. It was my first act of survival. It was the moment my tiny nervous system began to freeze ~ because the world was not safe, and I was not wanted.

No one asked why I stared. No one asked what I was feeling inside. No one said, "Little one, it is not your fault."

So I froze. And I stayed frozen for years.

A Life Built on Silence and Survival

As the years passed, the silence deepened. Every trauma only taught my body that the freeze was the only way to survive.

When my mother hit me ~ when I was humiliated, when I was ignored ~ I went deeper into that stare. I began to disappear.

I stopped crying when I needed help. I stopped speaking my truth. I stopped hoping anyone would save me. I learned to be invisible.

I wet the bed and was punished. I was beaten and molested. I was moved from place to place ~ never safe, never wanted.

When love came, it was taken away. When I reached out, I was punished. When I dared to feel, I was shamed. And so the blank stare became my shield.

How It Shaped Me As I Grew

That frozen child grew into a frozen adult.

I have loved people without being able to feel their love in return. I have parented without knowing how to receive my children’s love. I have frozen in arguments, gone blank in moments that demanded presence, shut down when I longed to reach out.

I have lived in a cycle of freeze, fawn, and fight ~ not knowing why.

I have chased love and pushed it away. I have punished myself for being alive. I have carried shame that was never mine ~ buried so deep I could no longer tell where it began. And through it all, I carried a sadness that would not leave.

A sadness born in that blank stare at age three ~ a sadness that whispered:
"You were not wanted. You never will be."

The Turning Point ~ Choosing to Heal

Now, at 56, something in me has shifted.

I cannot live frozen forever. I cannot carry a sadness I do not deserve. I cannot let the actions of those who could not love me define the rest of my life.

And so I am choosing to heal. I am choosing to face what I could not face then. I am choosing to learn how to feel again ~ one small, terrifying, beautiful step at a time. I am choosing to tell the truth:

👉 I was not wanted.
👉 I froze to survive.
👉 I have carried that freeze for decades.
👉 And I am ready to come back to life.

Come Heal With Me

If this story speaks to you ~ if you, too, have lived with that blank stare inside…
If you, too, have frozen in the face of pain, or gone numb to survive…
If you, too, have carried shame that was never yours ~

Come heal with me.

👉 If this resonated with you, explore my Healing Workbooks here